In your arms I feel
tranquil, comforted, peaceful
All roads lead to safe.
In your arms I feel
tranquil, comforted, peaceful
All roads lead to safe.
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know he lived this daily.
I didn’t know he could write so well.
He made me cry.
Addiction is an illness.
Plain and simple.
A mourning dove coos
Trees giddy with white flowers
Still dry, a false Spring.
Trees barren and parched
Reach withering fingers up
Numbly pleading, rain.
Golden trees alit
Dark clouds on the horizon
A storm approaches
Once, I dreamt of you
Shimmered veils of paradise
Brought peace to my soul
“Can we get rid of this?” Pete asks, holding up a faded pink, patched cotton blanket. The stitching around the edges is unraveling, the label is faded, almost illegible from decades of use. I look up from the box I am packing with linens and sit back on my heels. I reach for it wordlessly, almost snatching it out of his grasp. “What is it?” he’s puzzled, it’s just an old blanket after all. Shaking my head, I ball it up in my hands, then smooth it out, feeling the incredibly soft fabric after all those years, the memories rushing back like freight trains, relentless, and I am helpless in their path.
I shake my head again, fold the blanket into a neat square and place it gently with the linens in the box. The next few hours fly by as we box up our life in the San Carlos house, getting it ready for the new owners. Our last night here, I think, looking around the living room that evening. “Go to bed,” he says, “I’ve got a few more things I want to do before I call it a night.” I nod and walk into the bedroom, gingerly picking my way past the debris on the floor. As I sit on the large, comfortable bed we share with our two greyhounds and three cats, I reach over to the box closest to me and unerringly pull out the pink blanket. Holding it close to my face, I draw a deep breath, imagining a faint odor of Old Spice and Brylcream. Leaning back against the soft pillows, I unfold the blanket and watch it billow slightly as I pull it up and over my face. The overhead light is now diffused, a pink fuzzy glow that grows and grows until it envelops me in its soothing warmth. As I lay there, my mind picking through the memories, the light lightens, brightens, changes from the warm pink to a stark yellow, harsh, insistent, painful.
The bed is hard and unyielding under me. I lie there, motionless; eyes open under the blanket, watching the black spots of floaters chase their way across my eyes. The overhead light seems hot on my face, through the blanket. I can hear the low murmur of voices in the distance, the occasional ring of the doorbell, visitors being ushered in, the clink of teacups, the long silences, the solitary sob.
I haven’t slept since my nap yesterday morning. We had come home from the hospital, exhausted, but happy. Thatha had shown a few signs of improvement: his face was showing more color, his lips moved, and I had felt his hand twitch under mine. Feeling hopeful, we took the chance to go home and bathe, change clothes, take a nap, and bring Paati back to the hospital.
When we returned, he was gone.
“Those are the typical signs of imminent death,” the doctor said. “They always look healthy right before they die. Color comes back into the cheeks, the breath smells sweet…” he shrugged, looked at us, nodded and then left us there, shell-shocked. I sat, tears pouring down my face, hugging myself. My mother and Paati sat motionless, disbelieving.
I don’t remember the ride home.
His body was brought home that evening. One of his sisters and other female relatives came around the same time, silent, efficient, helping to clear the space where he would lie for the night. They chose the open space where the dining and temple rooms opened onto, at the base of the stairs, the center of the house. All traditional Indian homes have a center, marked by a tile, different in shade to the surrounding flooring. Thatha had designed the house, and he had picked that spot as the center. A puja had been done by the Hindu priests to consecrate it, and finally, before the tile was set, a handful of precious jewels were placed there by my Thatha and Paati, the priests reciting the Sanskrit verses to bless the house and spread a veil of peace and safety over it. Over the years, the tile, specked with mica and other stones, had faded to a dull grey blue. I had whiled away long afternoons, wondering about the jewels hidden there.
The men from the hospital placed him on the floor, centering him over the tile. He lay there, looking as though he were just asleep. Paati sat down near his head, a relative on either side, ready to help her if needed. She sat there, looking at him, dry-eyed, focused. “He’s still breathing!” she gasped. Everyone looked at him, then at her, and one of the men said, sadly, “He’s gone, Amma.”
As the men walked away, she sat there, motionless, in disbelief. Then a harsh loud sob burst from her, followed by a keening, the like of which I’ve never heard before or since. It drove right into me, punching me breathless, and I fell to my knees. The women left her alone until she was spent, quiet, hoarse, hunched over by her husband’s head. Then they went to her, lifted her up to take her to her room, but she pushed them aside, insisting on staying where she was.
They then proceeded to undress him where he lay, oil and bathe him, and then cover his body with the traditional white sheets in which he would be cremated. I sat at his feet, unnoticed, undisturbed. When they were done, it was close to midnight. I looked around and realized that we were all women. All the men were gone, I knew not where.
One by one, the ladies fell asleep, until the only ones awake were me, my mother, and Paati. I looked at her, but her eyes were distant, lost. I slowly reached out to touch his feet, and then started massaging them, one last time, gently pushing on the strong bones, the prominent veins, the soft leathery skin. I didn’t think she noticed, but then as I was finishing, she said, “He always said you massaged his feet the best of all of us.”
I nodded, then lay down next to him, holding onto his foot, and we stayed there, Paati, my mother, and I, keeping vigil over his body through the night.
Early next morning, the men came, dressed in white lungis, the traditional wrapcloth worn by Tamil men. His brothers, my father, other male relatives and friends, they all came, to escort him to his cremation site. I prepared to go with them, but was met with the cold response from the priests, “It is no place for a woman.” My father didn’t make eye contact with me as I burst out crying, “I’m going with him!” They walked away, a procession of men, carrying away the only person who truly loved me, and who I loved. I followed them, out the gates, down the street, crying, until someone, I don’t know who, caught up to me and led me back home.
I follow their path in my mind.
I imagine this is what happens.
My father and male relatives are with him, a caravan of men dressed in white, taking him away, led by a priest, swinging a chalice with smoking ash. They chant as they go, the monotonous death chant. Passersby stop in respect, traffic gives way; no one crosses the path of the funeral procession. They arrive at the cremation site and they place him on the prepared logs of wood. As he has no sons, my father takes on the role of lighting the cremation pyre. As he walks up with the oil soaked stick, he starts to cry. He wonders briefly, is he really dead? He touches the lit stick to the pyre and then steps back, watching the fire catch, then flame and burn. He stands there, as close as he can, until the priests draw him away.
I imagine this is what happens.
I wait for them to return.
I wait a long time.
Someone tries to get me to bathe. “It is bad luck,” they say. “The spirit is still here. It doesn’t know what to do. It wants to stay where it is familiar. If you don’t wash the mark of death away, the spirit will attach itself to you. Come, come and bathe.”
The spirit is still here? He is still here?
I look around his room. I’m on his narrow bed, my head on his pillow, my body covered by his blanket. I wonder briefly at the oddity of a grown man having a pink blanket, and then I look around again. His clothes are in the closet, his favorite walking stick is by the bed, his spectacles are on his glass-topped desk.
His spirit is still here. I can feel him around me, I can smell his scent.
“I don’t care,” I say. “I want him to stay with me.”
They back away, making the signs to ward off evil. I laugh a little. As though my Thatha could ever be considered evil. “He can stay with me.”
I hear them talking to my mother outside the room. She responds, indistinct through the walls. She must have told them to leave me alone, because they do not return. I thank her silently.
I chase a floater across my eye, but it eludes me, staying just on the periphery of my vision. I close my eyes in frustration, but the floaters remain, my constant companions. I feel wetness build up behind my eyelids, leaking out the sides, down my face, pooling in my ears. I turn, curling up, folding myself into the blanket, making it a part of me, soft, filled with his familiar scent: Old Spice and Brylcream. It is mine now.
He doesn’t need it anymore.
Swish. Swish. Click. Swish.
I watch the fan blades slowly move above my head, the stutter just a part of the rhythm. I’m laying on the family bed upstairs, limbs askew, full from lunch. As though from a distance, I hear the cars pass by on the street below, the chatter of the goatherds taking their animals through the town, the occasional lorry taking an illegal shortcut through our street, cutting through to the warehouse district, the food vendors hawking their goods, loud, poetic, repetitive. The wail of a baby in the house next door slowly rises until it abruptly stops. I wonder briefly, did it suffocate? The thought floats away, followed by nothing. I gaze up at the blades, willing them to move faster. The fan is helpless in the face of the stultifying heat; it is high summer in Coimbatore.
I think longingly of the pond in my Thatha’s village, envisioning the cool, wet mud under my feet as I wade into the dark waters, pushing away the tendrils of the lotus plants, beautiful but treacherous to the unsuspecting. If only we were there, I think. Then I sit up. I remember the overflow tank next to the well at the back of the property.
I open up the camphor chest at the foot of the bed, lifting out the wooden trays, old linens, saris, searching. And then I find it: my mother’s old swimsuit. A pale salmon one piece with ruffles all over, I’ve wanted to try it on ever since I saw it earlier that week. My mother had been putting away some of her out-of-season, elaborate saris, and had come across her old swimsuit. She sat there for a minute, holding it, lost in her memories, and then showed it to me. I wanted to try it on, but she was impatient to be done and took it back. It has been calling to me, every time I walk by the chest. Now I have a reason to wear it.
I lock the bedroom door and take off my cotton shift. Do I take off my panties too? I’m not sure, I have never worn a swimsuit before. I stand there, holding it, turning it this way and that, trying to find a zipper, some way to open it up so I can put it on. Tears of frustration well in my eyes, until it clicks: I have to step in and pull it up around me. Of course! I quickly take off my panties, and looking over at the locked door, surreptitiously place one foot and then the other into the suit, tugging it up and over my hips, and then feed my arms through the straps. The crossover straps thwart me at first, but I pull them over my head and force my arms through. Sweating, I stand there, successful, in my mother’s suit.
Now the fear starts to build. What if someone walks in? No, the door is locked. What would they think if they tried the door and found it locked? What would I say I was doing? Panicking, I unlock the door, then crouch behind it, holding my shift in front of me, a thin protection. I think of the path I have to take through the house, all the opportunities to be seen, half naked, wearing a swimsuit, and I almost give up.
It is however, that dead time between two and four in the afternoon, when everyone in the house is taking their afternoon nap. I should have been as well, but I hadn’t been able to, the heat was so unbearable.
Bolstered by this thought, I inch down the stairs, through the dining room, into the laundry and mud room, and then finally ease the back screen door open. I wait to see if anyone has heard me, then head down the few steps to the back patio. The old well looms in the distance, framed by Thatha’s coconut trees. Looking back towards the house one last time, I pick my way past the rose bushes, lime, mango, and pomegranate trees, to the back of the property.
The well is large, grey cement, circular, with a great pumping mechanism built into the top, a mesh screen to prevent debris from falling in, and steps spiraling up to the rim. The overflow tank is to the left of the well, a brown square cement tank, with a couple steps up. The top of the tank is high above my head, as I stand there looking up at it. It sits there, brooding, waiting. I can hear the occasional caw of the neighborhood crows, and the noises of passersby on the street seem distant. A slight movement at the edge of my vision makes me jump. Panicking, I look over, but it is just a scrawny tabby, hunched on the wall, watching me. I stick my tongue out at it, laugh, and climb the steps up to the tank.
From the top step, I can just reach across the gap and touch the top of the well. The cement feels cool and grainy under my fingers. I flatten my hands on the top, getting ready to hoist myself up when I hear a distant plop…Thatha had told me that frogs lived in there. I shudder slightly, thinking of the slimy creatures moving around at the bottom of the well, and step back. Looking back at the tank, I notice that the water is more than three quarters of the way full, and completely still. There is a thin, oily film on the surface, and then I see a dragonfly alight, breaking the surface tension. The ripples are miniscule, and seem to take a really long time moving to the edges of the tank.
I have never been this close to the tank before; Thatha had always warned me away. Exhilarated at what I am about to do, I shiver a little, and then with quick jump, lift myself onto the top of the wall. Overbalancing, I feel myself slide down the other side and catch myself, scraping my legs, frantic not to fall into the water. I laugh at myself, not fall into the water? That’s why I am here! “Silly goose,” I mutter. I look at the still water again, and then slowly ease my feet and legs in. The cool water accepts my limbs, soothing the angry welts and calming me. The dark tank walls make it so I can’t see very far into the depths, but I can see, faintly, the top of my feet, floating gently below the surface. I waggle my feet, watching the ripples.
Seeing movement again, I look over to see that the tabby has moved closer in, watching me intently. As I meet its eyes, its tail twitches, ever so slightly. I look slowly away, uncertain, feeling hunted. Gazing back at the water, I think about the village pond again. I had walked in, my Paati next to me, the cool mud always under my feet, the water at waist level. I hadn’t gone any further, staying at the edges, safe. I think about my mother, wearing this suit, swimming in a large pool, in a foreign land. None of my friends have ever swum before. I have never swum before. A sudden bolt of jealousy sweeps through me. How hard could it be? I think. I’ve seen people swimming in movies, their arms and legs moving in unison, cutting through the water in effortless motion. Squeezing my eyes tight, I try to remember the sequence of their strokes, their movement. I think I have it. Arms first, then kick both legs together. Opening my eyes, I see the cat, now on the well wall, crouched, motionless.
I slide into the tank.
The cool dark waters envelope me, the sounds of the street and crows disappear, and all I can hear is the thrum of the bloodbeat in my ears.
I open my eyes. Sudden burning. I open my mouth. Water floods in.
I can’t remember the strokes. I can’t find my arms. I look up and see the distant square of the afternoon sky, murky, receding.
And then an arm.
Snagging my hair.
Noise. Angry noise. Street and crows.
Face down on the dirt.
Water pouring out of me.
I wrote this post on my other blog, earlier in the year, about taking the next step. In it, I refered to a list I made at the start of the year, a list of values and attributes that I considered important in the man I want to be with in life. Here is that list, in no particular order:
Atrractive/ Fit/ Healthy
Spontaneous/Initiates activities or time together
Affectionate, and shows it
Family is important to him
Has a good circle of friends and close friends
Has interests that are varied
Education – ongoing learning is important
I wote that list, looked at it, and thought it was a little like whistling in the wind. The universe/God/higher power looked at that list and took up the gauntlet. I am now with a man who has all of those values and attributes.
The universe/God/higher power has given me what I’ve asked for and it is up to me to take up this chance, this soul lesson, and open myself up to whatever I am supposed to experience, and yes…learn.
Scary? Most definitely.
Liberating? Most definitely.
Withe my eyes wide open, heart in my hand, and my soul ready, I recognize this gift I have been given. My task is to nurture it, treasure it, nourish it, and watch it flourish.
Day by day.