Halfway through the week, with projects complete, half complete, some late, some starting…I notice that I am comfortable in my chair at a job I love, my children are safe and at school, my boyfriend has a job he loves, he has just sent me a video message yet unopened, and I am listening to Corcovado by Getz/Gilberto.
And I realize that I don’t have to wait until the weekend to love my life. It is in moments like these, that I am happy.
I made my boyfriend rage and break down in tears this weekend. “I am an ASSHOLE!” he screamed at me. “And you have made me this.”
I have the most amazing boyfriend. He gets me. He completely gets me. He knows how to read me and can call me out on my issues as soon as he sees them.
I love him. He loves me. I pinch myself every now and then, from utter disbelief that I am so lucky to have him. And because my feelings for him run high, so also does my fear. Fear that I am going to lose him. Fear that he will find someone else, that I am a stepping stone, a stop gap.
Because as I see it, he is an amazing man, and couldn’t possibly want to be with me. So in order to prevent him from leaving me, what do I do? I preemptively drive him away, by having jealous fits, making up stories in my head and out loud, of him cheating on me, being attracted to other women, not being enough for him.
And he puts up with this, but only so far. And then he loses it. Dramatically. Enraged at my lack of trust, my inability to see his integrity, he screams at me, and then cries when he realizes what he has become in that moment.
One day, we will have equilibrium.
I pray that it is the equilibrium of peace and love together, and not apart.